Fight for the Inches

Recently I had a conversation that caused me to think about the choices I have made in life and the journey I have been on. Eleven years ago I was pristine. I had the world in front of me and opportunities abounded. I made decisions that cause opportunities to be lost forever and have left deep scars imbedded in my soul. I value my life and my journey and I would not really trade the character I have developed over time. However, the interesting thing I realized as a result of this conversation was that none of the decisions I made were very large in scope. They were little decisions. Inches, if you will, in the race of life. But the impact they have had on my life is very real and very large.

There are many who carry the scars of battle. Whether it's fighting an addiction, overcoming the damage of abuse, poverty, neglect or a million other things. The key factor in anyone's life is the inches they are willing to fight for. And the good news is this: Nobody has to do it alone. We can always reach out and up and there will be aid given in times of need and distress. Life can be beautiful. This I promise you all.

Books for trade

Here are some books I have that I am looking to trade or lend:
More Sex is Safer Sex
eMyth Revisited
Inside the Tornado
Tipping Point
Winning
Hope is not a Strategy
Team of Rivals
Before you quit your job
Mormons and Masons
Start Late, Finish Rich
Carthage Conspiracy
Teeth of the Tiger
Decision Points
See you at the top

Watch Your Step

It Takes Time

One of the hardest things about making personal changes and repenting of long time sins is the frustrating tug-o-war between what we desire-to change and be free from addictions- and what we do-repeatedly falling back on old behaviors. This battle can often leave us feeling overcome by our weaknesses and concluding that there is no hope for change. These feelings of despair are nothing but lies the adversary would have us believe.

In his book Following Christ, Stephen Robinson speaks beautifully to this very issue. He says :

Since repenting is “turning” ourselves around, I think a useful analogy can be drawn from the navy. When a captain decides to turn a battleship or an aircraft carrier, it takes some time for the ship to come around. Though the decision has been made, the order has been given, and the change is being carried out, it still takes some time to bring the ship about. So in our lives the decisions for Christ can be truly and genuinely made, the order truly given and carried out, yet it can still take some time and space to overcome the natural resistance of the carnal self and make the complete turn. There will be rejoicing when the turn is complete and we have perfected part or all of our lives, but should we die before it’s done, the Lord will still credit us for making the right decision, for issuing the appropriate orders and attempting to carry them out in our lives- the rest would have been just a matter of time.

Some may ask, how is that possible? The answer is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Because of what Christ did for all of us we can rely on His merits to bless and even complete our efforts to make needed changes in our lives. This has been true in my life to be sure. I have struggled and wrestled with weaknesses and behaviors, but I can testify that I have felt the blessings of the Atonement even as I have been struggling to make changes. It is like feeling a divine encouragement, a spiritual cheerleader if you will saying “You’re doing great, keep it up and you can get all the way there.” I express my gratitude for this great blessing and testify that it is available to all who truly desire to make these monumental changes in their lives.

Don't be Too Hard On Yourself

It hurts to be misjudged. It hurts to have others make a lasting negative decision about you based on one episode or interaction with you. And yet, these types of judgments are commonplace in society today. John Clyde wrote an article for KSL News entitled Confronting a Snap Judgment Society on this very topic. Pointing out a situation he encountered Mr. Clyde asks

“…Is it fair to label a person we do not know because of one incidence? Why do we assume the woman on the corner with a cigarette in her mouth is an unfit parent who probably blows smoke in her child's face? Or why do we think a man working outside is an illegal immigrant who is "stealing" our jobs because of the way he looks or speaks?

Maybe that smoker is having trouble quitting and makes sure she smokes outside, out of the way of her child. And maybe that man is an American citizen who works hard day in and day out for his family.”

I am extremely guilty in this area. I make snap judgments about people based on how they drive, dress, speak, eat, and walk. I make assumptions about a person’s entire life based on a political position they may espouse. I assume that when someone makes a mistake or has a setback they aren’t really trying to change or not interested in being a better person. What’s saddest is: I do this most often to the people I love.

Now this isn’t a confession or a woe is me article. I know I’m not alone in this fault. I know that because I have been on the receiving end of these types of snap judgments. I have made some mistakes in life, serious mistakes, and been judged harshly for them. I try not to be bitter. I try not to be hateful of self-pitying. I try to think that people believe what they do about me because they don’t really know the whole situation and of course, how could they? But the thing that bothers me the most is that with this perspective shouldn’t I be more inclined to not being judgmental? Shouldn’t I be more compassionate?

I don’t really know the answer to that question, but I will say this. I have noticed a direct correlation to the way a person feels about themselves and the way a person feels about others. I am very hard on myself. I am critical, harsh and sometimes downright mean to me. If I can’t find compassion for myself I will not be able to find it for others.

Jesus said “Judge not lest ye be judged.” What the Savior meant was that God is the only person qualified enough to make lasting judgments about people. That includes ourselves. We are not equipped with enough wisdom or knowledge to judge us. God is infinitely more merciful than we are. That is a fact for which I am infinitely grateful. I believe that God looks upon us with more love, tenderness, and patience that we afford ourselves. Why? Because He is perfect and knows us perfectly. He knows when we’re trying and when we’re overwhelmed. And He knows when we are doing the absolute best we can.

What does this have to do with personal change? Well, everything really. We’re all in one phase of change or growth or another. We are all at various stages in life’s journey and if we can realize that we all belong to the larger family of God we can then have more compassion for others and for ourselves. That willingness to set aside our initial impressions or judgments and really try to get past hurt and fear and heartache and sorrow will lead to real healing of some very real wounds that plague us individually and collectively.

God Bless America!

I wish to express my gratitude for the great nation in which I live-The Unites States of America. This nation, which has been prepared, preserved and protected by the Hand of God, stands as a beacon of freedom and hope to the entire world. I know that America-bashing has become quite popular in our day in an effort to display false humility. However, as one man who was born in Sweden said to me yesterday, “American is not the land of my birth, but it is the land of my choice.” There are millions of people around this great nation who would echo these words and there are many millions more around the world who wish so to do.

This nation has been blessed to be a land of freedom, a land or refuge, a land of prosperity, and a land of peace. We enjoy more liberties than any people in the world. We are by and large more prosperous in all areas than the rest of the world. And we are a generous people, giving more per capita to charitable organizations.

Because of these great blessings we also bear great responsibilities. We must be ever vigilant to maintain our freedoms and liberties. We must also realize that America’s greatness depends largely on the individual quality of its people. We must all be working hard to be better, to reach out and help those in need, to foster feelings of friendship and brotherhood even when we disagree.

I love America and say so unabashedly. May God continue to bless her and prosper her is my humble prayer this 4^th of July.

Reaching Out

How do you avoid negative actions when you are feeling bad? Reach out. That is the recommendation of authors Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer in their powerful work “Love you, Hate the Porn.” Chamberlain and Steurer address the poisonous affect that pornography addiction can have on marriage and relationships. The most powerful remedy to the damaging effects it can have is reaching out to others, especially the most important person in your life. Write the authors:

It may seem to us like it “works” when we try to distract ourselves from distressing emotions….However, even when they’re ignored, emotions continue to have a rousing effect on the body and brain. Feelings crank up the nervous system. That energy builds inside of us and needs some kind of outlet. Notice that the word emotion contains the word motion. This is exactly what feelings do: they move us. They create motion. It’s impossible to keep and emotion from moving us. Once a feeling or an emotion activates, it begins to create movement throughout our whole system.

The power of expressing negative emotions is tremendous in its ability to defuse the energy of those feelings. For most of us, self expression is new and uncharted territory. We don’t naturally open up and share. Many that I know absolutely refuse to believe that opening up will work. However, when we do take that risk and share what we are feeling to someone who cares about us we will be less likely to go to a self-soothing behavior such as addictions, whether that is pornography or drugs and alcohol or a host of other destructive behaviors.

Sharing feelings can be tough. Most of us don’t even like to acknowledge the feelings in the first place, especially if they are caustic and negative. That’s why it is important to first own your feelings. Many of us try to diminish our feelings to ourselves by thinking “Oh I shouldn’t be feeling that way.” Feelings don’t understand should or shouldn’t. The just are. Right, wrong or indifferent we feel the way we feel. Own it.

Once you own the feeling you can then express it. This is where a grand misconception can come into play. Just because we express a feeling doesn’t mean that anything will change. In the book the authors use the example of a husband feeling exasperation with his wife. He decides, rather than holding in, he is going to express his feelings. He says to her, “This how I feel. I’m not asking you to change or do anything about it; I’m just expressing how I feel.” The key is simply to express the feeling or emotion. Like letting steam out of a pressure cooker it takes the edge off our tendencies to self sooth and puts the train back on the tracks so to speak.

I am still learning and growing in this area. I can, however, attest to the fact that opening up, regardless of how awkward or painful that may feel at first is a major way to take the heat out of negative feelings and allow healing to begin.

Feedback Loops and the Power of Personal Change

There is a terrific article in the July issue of Wired Magazine about Feedback Loops. A feedback loop is a cycle that all of us experience probably hundreds if not thousands of times a day. We act, gather information or feedback about that action, and then we respond to the information we receive. You can read the entire article here. I will not delve into the science behind feedback loops, but rather share what I have taken away from this article.

The most striking thing I took from the article was this: Human beings are self regulating. This truth flies in the face of millennia of thinking regarding government, law enforcement and even religion. The philosophy that says a)Humans don’t want to change, and b)will only change when forced to, coerced to, or scared into it is simply not true. Yes, we can be lured into compulsive, even addictive behavior. Yes change is tough, but it is possible and even likely if certain key factors are in place. The first of which is information. We need to identify not only what is wrong, but what that wrong behavior is doing to us. Without data we are acting blindly and are likely to be guided by pure emotion or impulse, hence addictive behaviors. When the brain receives all relevant input it will act responsibly. Case in point: The article points out that when a utility company shared information regarding power use with its customers after the fact, power consumption at peak times was unaffected. However, when the company provided data in real time and showed the customer what their power usage was costing there was a dramatic drop off.

The second thing that struck me is this: Feedback Loops are amazingly simple. If there is a behavior you want to change the solution is really as simple as collecting data on the behavior. For instance, many dieticians will tell patients wanting to lose weight to write everything down that they eat throughout the day. The mere exercise of putting that data in front of someone will affect their behavior. Jack Welch, the former Chairman and CEO of GE said it this way, “What we measure matters.”

So given these two facts why don’t more people make the needed changes in their lives. Well one reason is, as the article points out, collecting data is cumbersome. It’s not difficult per se to write down what you eat throughout the day, but it interrupts the natural flow of life and is therefore easily forgotten. There are wonderful technology tools available and forthcoming that will make data collection easier which is good news for those seeking to make change.

Regardless of what technology brings to bear, however, I believe that this article and the science of feedback loops is good news to sufferers from compulsive addictive behaviors. Often times it can feel like an addiction controls you. You can feel totally out of control and hopeless. I testify that our Heavenly Father loves us and would not leave us without hope. He has blessed us with the most powerful computing device known in existence: The Human Brain. If we will harness the power of feedback loops and be honest with ourselves about the real costs of our behaviors we can make the changes needed to become more like Him.